I keep fooling myself that I’m making progress in quitting. Whatever progress there is comes only from having fenced myself in on every side, with habits I’ve invented, blocks on my computer, activities, a calendar. It feels like I’ve built myself a way out, but out of clay. I’ve set everything up, but one element is missing: action. What pisses me off is that there is action, only it’s bigger and more consistent in the direction of going back to porn. The whole time it’s as if I’ve got a harpoon stuck in me that keeps pulling me back. The whole time my PMO calendar is just holding on and falling back. I feel something close to despair.
I’ve learned how it works. At a certain point I sort of switch into a different state of mind, where I’m aware of other feelings and needs, and suddenly I start to feel that I need to watch all those fucking women in porn again, even though I don’t want to. At some point, if you trust your ability to hold back, it fails, and you wake up afterwards, picking yourself up all over again. As you can see, it brings out anger and aggression in me.
Right now I can’t last a few days. I know what’s good for me in the long run. I’ve worked through what porn took from me. I’ve fenced myself in on every side, and I get better after every relapse. I feel this is how it’s supposed to go: step by step I improve my protective mechanisms and try to get out of it.
But… that probably isn’t the point, is it? That I’m constantly fighting myself because I want to watch porn even though I don’t want to? I once read that quitting, done properly, shouldn’t be painful, and if it is, it means I’m doing something wrong.
I’ve learned that I can resolve to do anything and break anything… Somehow I want to go back, because something hasn’t been pulled out yet. I think it’s because it’s pleasant… It’s not as if what I watch on the screen isn’t pleasant. And I’ll get out of this addiction and have some kind of sex too… What I mean is what sex in porn actually is: the actors aren’t doing it because someone’s forcing them. People always talk about it in an exaggerated way, tons of silicone and hypocrisy, a land of exploitation and misery, but that’s not true. These days porn is made with natural girls who want to do it, otherwise they wouldn’t, and the producers are blurring the line while serving up sex that looks more and more natural. I think there’s something here that’s holding me. I fucking believe in something I shouldn’t; something hurts in me, and I find it in porn. I don’t know, I get into it as if I wanted to feel the kind of power over women there is in the videos, or maybe it soothes my complexes for a while. I don’t even know anymore.
I know I don’t always feel that I want to get rid of porn from my life, even though biologically it’s good for me in the long run.
I don’t know where I’m going wrong, but I want to go back, and again and again, after a few days, I go back for a few days. I build up an effect and then I destroy it, round and round! What a pointless mess! I don’t know what I’m failing to do that would actually block the urge to go back to this fucking porn. Because so far the core I’m relying on is a slip of paper with the password that I keep far away from the computer, and that’s no foundation to build on.
I know that in the end I still act too little, finish too little, overcome too little. But fears, anxieties and shame that come from other things in my life make a lot of things impossible, combined with this addiction on top.
P.S. I’ve noticed this whole thing could be summed up in a few sentences, in obvious questions and obvious answers like “Get out among people” and “Stop going back”, but that doesn’t show the mechanism behind the behaviour.
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