Hello.
I hope my post will help other people in their struggle with this terrible addiction.
Let’s go back in time. The year is 2018. My parents get an internet connection installed for me. My reaction: “This is great.”
I also discovered “great” pornographic material online very quickly.
I won’t mince words: I have no idea why, in the twenty-first century, PORNOGRAPHY IS AVAILABLE TO EVERYONE. EVEN A TEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD CAN WATCH HARDCORE PORN while their parents are at work.
All the child has to do is click “Yes, I agree” or “Yes, I am 18.” Would a shop sell alcohol to a ten-year-old because the child claimed to be eighteen? NO.
That’s my introduction.
My story
In 2018, when I was seventeen, I discovered various websites with photographs of naked women. I didn’t watch videos for about two years because my internet connection was too slow.
I was a reasonably capable student, or perhaps simply conscientious. I finished my homework quickly and had a lot of free time.
I quickly became dependent on spending all of that free time online. Whenever I wanted to drift away while browsing, I visited photo sites or chat rooms.
I became deeply hooked very quickly. After about two years, I started watching videos on RedTube and similar sites. My connection was slow and my data allowance only lasted for about half the month if I watched videos. During the other half, I “recharged” my brain with pictures. When I used pictures, I had to reach orgasm more often to balance the dopamine level in my brain.
I kept going further into it without understanding what was happening. I was raised in a Catholic family, so from time to time I went to confession. On one occasion I decided I had to stop because it was wrong.
I began experiencing what I interpreted as withdrawal effects even then, although I didn’t recognize them. I thought I was simply sad and there was no point dwelling on it; perhaps I was just having some bad days. But once the period when I was receiving Holy Communion had passed, I happily returned to the world of porn.
About a year or two ago I tried to quit again. I had noticed that my lack of interest in approaching women might be connected to it. I also read online about a guy who said porn had made him completely impotent.
I then fell into depression—utter despair. Everything seemed to make sense. “I’m finished,” I thought. Unfortunately, it was a serious breakdown and it continued for a long time. But let me take it step by step.
I spent the entire summer feeling completely crushed. At first I didn’t even get out of bed. I intended to see a psychiatrist, but I didn’t go. I decided I had to handle it myself. I began searching for information online and found YourBrainOnPorn.com.
That awakened a small spark of hope in me. Unfortunately, by then the depression may have been too severe simply to lift. Many people on Your Brain on Porn use the phrase “brain fog,” and it described very well how I felt at the time.
I began a “reboot.” For about a month I struggled to stop masturbating. In October 2023 I finally managed it. I went exactly eighty-six days without orgasm. During that time, for the first time, I felt sexually attracted to a woman. I experienced enormous relief and thought I would make it and recover.
Unfortunately, the depression was still too severe, and I believe it prevented me from getting out of the situation. During those eighty-six days I had a few spontaneous erections, but they were brief and very rare. I had no morning erections. For roughly one week I would feel the beginnings of a libido, followed by three weeks of “flatline”—a limp penis, as I used to call it.
The following month was similar: one week of higher libido, then another three weeks of flatline. In January 2024 I waited for another week of libido, but it didn’t come. I couldn’t endure it and masturbated. My erection was hard and the head of my penis was very sensitive, but the orgasm felt horrible. I believed that was because I was depressed. The next time I masturbated the orgasm was better—satisfying enough—and the erection was excellent.
Unfortunately, I then masturbated frequently and felt that I had destroyed all my progress. Later I returned to porn. At first I didn’t need as much pornography after returning to it, but I still had “brain fog.”
The more deeply I became involved in porn again, the better I felt. The depression went away and eventually the “brain fog” did too. Later I managed about twenty days without porn, although I was still masturbating, and didn’t feel any withdrawal effects. But I went back to porn, perhaps because my brain had begun demanding it again.
A few days ago I attempted another reboot. I lasted a week. After that week I experienced what people call “shrink penis”—my penis seemed to contract. My sense of being a man became, excuse the expression, a complete mess. I felt sexless, as if someone had cut off my balls. I felt overwhelmingly insecure and experienced an enormous fear that is difficult to describe. I remember having similar moments during my eighty-six-day attempt, although they seemed less severe.
What I found very interesting was that after a week without porn, my body seemed to seek another way to balance dopamine. In my case, that was alcohol. Getting drunk raises dopamine in the brain. But it is a very bad combination, and I only caused unnecessary trouble for myself. This isn’t the time or place to describe it. The next day I masturbated, and the symptoms I associated with withdrawal seemed to disappear, or at least diminish.
I should add that my mental health has suffered through all this. Unfortunately, I feel much worse than I used to. Sometimes I imagine that I will end up a psychopath, though I hope it won’t become that bad.
Giving up porn also seems to bring other problems, such as an inability to interact socially. At those times I don’t want to go anywhere. It is also very difficult at university because I feel mental confusion and a lack of concentration, perhaps because of some biochemical fluctuations in my brain. I often feel down and sad. I even have the impression that my facial expression has changed during these years of porn use.
Spending so much time online has also made me neglect myself physically. I am completely out of shape. Recently I have been online constantly. Yesterday I experienced an incredible high while watching women on webcams. I watched for about six hours and, of course, masturbated intensely throughout.
Honestly, I don’t know whether I will ever get out of this.
Let this be a warning to those who think porn is harmless.
But remember not to torment yourselves for becoming caught in this habit. There are hundreds of people on Your Brain on Porn with problems like ours who managed to get out. Some did it faster and some more slowly, but they succeeded.
No published comments yet.