Evening, 8:18 p.m.
“He stood in front of the monitor with his head bowed… Holding his penis in one hand, with the other switching off the man licking a woman’s feet on the screen (he was a fetishist), his eyes following the drops of sperm falling to the floor, the 24-year-old looked pathetic. He washed his penis, cleaned up the ‘little swimmers’ and went to the mirror. He looked at himself and saw a man who had lost. Lost to himself. The worst thing wasn’t the porn. The worst thing was that he had promised himself he wouldn’t do it again… He had lied to himself. He didn’t cry; he didn’t even feel like it. He felt frustration, and at the same time calm.
Even though he had tried everything, he kept losing. He fought, he didn’t fight, he accepted it, he exercised, he met people, and yet a moment ago he fell again… He had been addicted for a good ten or eleven years. A moment ago he fell: he did it four times in an hour, going through a good 100 to 150 clips, switching like a madman after a few seconds, ‘catching up’ on what he’d missed. He is an ambitious, motivated man, a sportsman who understands ups and downs. He also understands learning from failure, and yet… repeating the same mistakes over and over, he keeps ending up back where he started. A year ago, over one month, he had sex three times, and each time he didn’t so much as twitch. Afraid for his potency, for his little friend, and with his mind full of fear about his orientation, which he had been puzzling over while watching porn with trans women, he started looking for answers.
When the hero of this story came across articles about porn addiction, he began to quit. To this day his addiction regularly beats him, and every time he says that this time it will be better. It never was, and still he is calm… He is calm because, as he writes this, he already knows he will win… This time he simply knows. Unable to help himself and defeat his own addiction, he will help someone else. He has an irresistible urge to write a story about himself as a winner who became free and happy, free from addiction. Since he can’t help himself, he will create a character who wins…”
That whole story above is me. Right now it’s 9:01 p.m. and I feel calm…
Describing myself in the third person, I can see what it looks like. Every day I’ll briefly describe what my hero (that is, me) is feeling, and I already know intuitively that the ending will be happy… These will be hidden notes for myself, and in 90 days (or however long it takes) I’ll read them all from the beginning and see the giant step I’ve taken. I’ll see my victory. I’ll see the hero’s road to freedom. The one writing this will defeat the greatest enemy he has, himself, and after that nothing will stop him from making his dreams come true. It’s 9:09 p.m…. I gave up porn for good 51 minutes ago :)
My idea may seem strange, but deep down I now feel I’m not alone in this. There is me, and there is me in the story, as the hero, the hero who wins. I’ll steer my subconscious towards writing a little tale with a happy ending, and that can only happen if I win myself, and I will. It’s 9:17 p.m., and I’ve just read the whole thing again. What’s nice is that I’m not changing anything or choosing my words. I’m writing the way my emotions tell me to. Because of that, it’s great to read now what I was thinking just an hour ago… I’m glad that in a few months I’ll write about how wonderful I feel and how I’m enjoying my freedom to the full.
In the background the music from Gladiator is playing, Hans Zimmer’s “Now We Are Free”. Yes, yes… Now I’m free :) I’m starting the journey again, but this is the last time in my life I’ll do it, because a man who becomes free for good can’t fight for freedom again. In all, 69 minutes have passed (ha, fitting :P) since I finished with porn once and for all, but deep inside I already feel good, at ease… I’m filled with a kind of inspiration :)
“… He is calm because, as he writes this, he already knows he will win…”
Goodbye, pornographic pixel. Hello, new life!
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