Pornography: pleasure and curse, freedom and slavery in one. I’m writing this because I’ve lost so many times that I’ve stopped counting. I’m writing because I feel powerless and down.
I’m Dev. My adventure started very early. I don’t remember exactly, but I’d guess it was the beginning of primary school, because I think that was when I first came across porn. From then on my interest in the subject only grew…
Today I’m 23. Quite some time has passed, right? Yet nothing has changed, except that the films, pictures and erotic games got more intense. While my friends were meeting girls, I was discovering new categories, performers and sites. I’ve seen plenty. BDSM, POV, gangbang, reverse gangbang, more?
No problem. I could reel off performers’ names one after another. I could go on, but what for, when after the session, the routine, the ritual, I close the laptop and I’m alone?
These days I read about this every day: the topics, the research.
I’ve started to notice that ever since I got into porn, I can’t fall in love. I don’t feel the chemistry that’s supposed to develop. I went on dates with girls, but I was the one who ended most of those acquaintances. I felt I didn’t need them; they left me indifferent. It didn’t excite me. I never had that puppy love, and yes, I’m still a virgin…
Why make the effort and court someone, when on the internet, in one second, I can have a Black woman, a Latina, an Asian woman, a secretary, a teacher, with big breasts or small, in stockings or in heels, and she’ll give me such a dose of dopamine that a few seconds later I’m hard? What I’ve just written sounds great, but it isn’t real. After every video the tab gets closed and the history cleared. So I wouldn’t have to use tissues, two years ago I taught myself to orgasm without ejaculating. Another problem is that I can’t hold back. A few times I’ve been looking at videos and pictures on my phone at work. I don’t have to masturbate; I just watch for entertainment, and masturbation is an extra.
Every time I took up the fight against the addiction, I lost. I went back without even noticing. I can’t control it.
As of today I have:
- my laptop and phone locked with content blockers (a friend typed in the password, because he got fucking annoyed when I cracked after three days and entered my own password);
- an app to track my moods and my days without fapping and watching;
- aching balls and lower abdomen;
- a gym membership, three times a week;
- motivation.
I wrote all this because I felt the need to get it off my chest to someone. I looked up sexologists in my city, but I think nobody will understand me better than people who have the same problem. The time has come for me to end this. I want to throw off these fucking shackles that weigh on my mind, this shame. I’m too old to be jerking off to a screen, worrying about why it won’t stand up, or about the fact that my friends have partners and sex and I don’t. A bit about me: I’m a workaholic, because apart from porn, which I love and hate, I also love money. I invest in my appearance, I do small projects and now and then I speak in public. I used to train MMA; for the past two weeks it’s been the gym (so I have less time to think about XXX).
That’s about it. What’s left for me is the fight with my biggest demon, the one I’ve written about. Just writing this took me a lot of time and thought. If you’re reading this and fighting the same thing, know that you’re not alone with this problem. There are more of us, many more.
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