I want to share my story and my thoughts. I’ve been off porn, on my own, for about a month and a half. In the end I just got furious with myself. For me, porn went on for about ten years, with shorter and longer breaks, but somehow it kept going, unfortunately. About a month and a half ago, after more and more extreme hardcore porn I decided it was getting out of control; you really do need to keep winding yourself up more and more, without a pause. I threw out the rest of the videos (I actually had very few; the internet itself was enough) and finished with it, but I wasn’t exactly educated about the consequences. And they’re terrible, especially now: no LIBIDO at all, which has me in shock. I didn’t know what was happening to me, because I always had a high one, so high it got in the way of functioning day to day: involuntary erections. I dealt with that through masturbation. So why on earth did I switch on the porn?!
Yesterday I realised I don’t get hard spontaneously anymore. Not even at pictures of girls, or some soft sexy girl, or gentle porn. By hand, an erection only comes right at ejaculation. OK, I know, but I had to check. That’s what sent me looking for an explanation of what happens when you quit. Now I can’t even imagine intercourse, even though I have a vivid imagination. On top of that I’ve had a very hard two months: work, work through the holidays, alcohol, job interviews, rejection, falling in love, sick leave. That plays a part in the state of things too. The one good thing is that I still get morning wood; that’s the only thing that comforts me, that everything’s fine with my body.
OK, someone will ask: you’ve made it to a month and a half, that’s good, you’re not tempted, so what are you worried about? Not porn, definitely; the nightmares, the spasms and the wasted time are behind me. It’s this: things have worked out with a girl I love; we’ve been together a short time. I don’t even want to think about what happens if we end up in bed intending to have sex and it comes to nothing. She’s had many relationships; I pulled her out of an unhappy one myself; I feel she has big needs. I’ve never had sex. That’s how my life went: I never had a steady girlfriend, although to look at me nobody would ever believe it, and they don’t. I don’t want to let her down. She has principles, so I want to stretch out that moment until we know each other better and I’ve been celibate longer, to minimise the effects.
The way I see it, masturbation was about releasing tension, and porn about the lack of stimuli that would let me do it. I think not having a woman was the main factor in why I was, and am, where I am. It’s a shame nobody told me earlier that this has such effects. I won’t say I didn’t suspect it, but I never had a girlfriend and never counted on having one, so I carried on. In my wildest dreams I never expected a treasure like this to fall into my lap. I’ll cope with porn, but if it brought about the end of my relationship, I’d never forgive myself.
I have no idea how long this phase of no libido and a limp dick lasts. I used to get hard at the mere thought; now, no. I’d like to get back to that state, not to start fapping again, but to feel wonderful again. The fact that I’ve understood my mistake counts for a lot, I think; if I put in the work and the will, it’s bound to work out. I hope I manage to reset my mind to a clean state and start living free, powered only by my own energy and thoughts.
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