I’m 28 and I live in a small town. For almost a year I haven’t been in a steady relationship with a woman. I work in sport, and what I write may touch on that fact here and there. As for porn and masturbation, they appeared towards the end of primary school. I don’t want to describe my whole history with it, though, because it’s no different from hundreds of other cases. I’ve never had (and I hope I never will have) problems with erections or with sex with girls, and every attempt I made to break away from the habit was for other reasons, the kind I’d read about. I can mention that there was even a period in my adult life when I managed to live without PMO for over three years! Unfortunately, later on, sex and nudity on a screen, and masturbation, kept coming back into my life and leaving again.
Right now I’m quitting, but today there was a crisis: by my count, on day 77 of this “repair programme” (I don’t think I need to explain what it consisted of). Obviously it’s not an easy moment, but I can’t let myself be crushed by having allowed this one-off return to porn, and I intend to carry on. As someone who works in sport I’m used to fighting in all sorts of life situations, this one included, and I believe this particular fight will succeed, because I want to stress that porn simply leads nowhere, it warps the way you see many aspects of human life, and masturbation in a way drains your vital energy. I can say that on the basis of these 77 days, which were probably my longest break from these problems in recent years. That accumulated energy brought an undeniable surge of positive energy and self-confidence, of charisma, even of a kind of aggression. In the last few weeks I looked girls straight in the eye and even brazenly held the look, feeling that unspent sexual energy inside me, which I think radiated from me visibly. Since I decided to quit I’ve worked a lot and trained a great deal, mainly running, 10 km every day, and that’s where I found my supply of dopamine.
Unfortunately I’m only human, an athlete who has failures as well as successes, and what happened to me today can be filed under failure, but I hope it’s the kind of moment that will make me even stronger, even more alert and determined. Writing this down, and taking it as my witness, I’ve resolved that today’s contact with my old habits was the last, that I will never, ever go back to it, that I’ll never again jerk off in front of a monitor, and that the next orgasm, and every one after it, I’ll share with, and in a way offer to, the girlfriend I’ll have one day, the one woman who should be the object of my feelings as well as the source of my sexual fulfilment.
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