I have what I think is a big problem. Ever since I was very young, eleven or twelve, I masturbated and watched porn, you could say day in, day out. There were short breaks, but more because I had to than because I wanted to. Now I’m 22 and heavily addicted to it. I could sit for hours masturbating. The worst part is that normal porn doesn’t turn me on anymore. Unfortunately, I think that’s exactly why I’m still a virgin, which really embarrasses me, and I don’t know how it happened. I’ve never even had a girlfriend. And the funniest thing is that I’m very good-looking and well built (I mean an athletic build); I’ve heard that many times, from women and from others too. But my self-confidence is terribly low, and I don’t know what’s causing it (maybe exactly my addiction).
What also worries me a lot is that I started with softcore porn and ended up with the worst perversions. Things like a woman cheating on her husband right in front of him, while he’s humiliated by his partner and her lover, who’s better endowed than he is (cuckold, that crap’s called), where I imagined myself as that humiliated husband. And all kinds of other humiliation porn, like female domination, mocking penis size and the weirdest, stupidest stuff, all the way to gay porn, which normally disgusts me, but lately that has shown up too. That completely clashes with my personality and my orientation, because I’m 100% straight and I have a dominant character, not a submissive one like the men shown in that porn.
On top of that I smoke huge amounts of weed, which pushes me even further towards that kind of porn, because the pleasure is about ten times bigger then. But afterwards I practically hate myself and can’t accept it. I also have trouble getting a normal erection at the sight of women or ordinary soft porn, and on top of that there are huge problems with motivation for anything, and with concentration, sleep and getting up early.
I feel bad about all this, and that’s why for two days now I’ve stayed clean. I’ve even quit smoking weed and cigarettes. I told myself enough is enough and decided to put an end to it. I’ve gone back to MMA training, I’m looking for a new job, and I’m also thinking about starting university. I’m ambitious and have a lot of plans; I want to meet a normal, nice girl and so on. I just wonder whether it really is porn and masturbation that got me to where I am now, that made me shrink even in my own eyes, or whether I’m just this messed up already… If I stay clean, will thoughts of normal, nice, classy sex turn me on again instead of some twisted garbage? Will my self-confidence come back, and will I stop walking around everywhere tired and dazed like a zombie? Will I have more motivation? I don’t know how to help myself fight this addiction. And if it is because of porn and masturbation, why?
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