I’ve been watching porn since I was very young. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as it doesn’t take control of you. It isn’t easy to write about this, but at some point you have to face up to it. I’ve been struggling with it for a while now. A long while, you could say.
About five years ago I met a great girl. Neither of us knew how it would end, but it ended with a happy ending (not that kind). We’ve been together five years now, and we recently got engaged. A few months ago I told my woman about my problem. She took it calmly; she figured shouting wouldn’t get her anywhere, and I had her support. I was glad to get that weight off my chest and to be able to share it with her. She was ready to stand by me, and my recovery began. A few weeks earlier I had deleted the entire porn collection I had. It didn’t last long. I started collecting porn again, watching, fapping and so on. One day she found the videos. She wasn’t angry, but she was disappointed, because I was supposed to talk to her, to call her whenever I felt the urge to take matters into my own hands. I felt awful about it. I’d deceived her. There were tears and a long conversation, but in the end we came to an understanding, and I believed that this time I’d manage. We have a plan together: a wedding, children, a future.
Right now I’m not working, and you know how it is, when the cat’s away the mice will play. I’ve gone back to the habit. She knows nothing about it, and I feel guilty, because I thought that once I proposed I’d find the strength to fight this, to fight for our future together. But it isn’t that easy. Every time, I tell myself in my head that this is the end, that I’m going to get a grip. I feel guilty, but after a few days it all fades away and I walk back into the same swamp. A vicious circle. And in all of this, the person I care about is the one who suffers. She deserves someone better, but my fiancée has told me many times that she doesn’t want anyone else, so it must be real love, because I don’t know what else it could be. She loves me anyway. She could have left me long ago, and she didn’t. If she could manage, if she could fight for me despite my condition, then I can too. I’ll need all the luck I can get.
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