I started looking for information about how I could help my boyfriend get through quitting porn.
He’s been masturbating since middle school. He could do it several times a day, every day. He never had any serious relationships. He’s almost thirty now and we’re planning a future together. But pretty much from the very beginning of our relationship there’s been a problem: he doesn’t orgasm with me. Erections aren’t a problem. All I have to do is touch him or kiss him and he’s instantly fully(!) ready. When he dropped porn and playing with himself right at the start, the problem disappeared. But later he went back to that crap. I didn’t help him with it either, because I’d get him off by hand myself, and it turned me on to watch him do it. Over time, though, it turned out that this was the only way he could finish. On top of that, I can see his mind drifting off to porn scenes while we’re fooling around.
It led to a fight. He accused me of not being like those girls in porn, of not doing what they do, and said that because of that a lot of things were missing in our bed. After that conversation we both had time to think, and we both concluded that he has a problem. I calmly explained to him that life isn’t a porn film. That I’m ready for a lot of things in bed, but I can’t win against his hand and the girls in porn, because quite simply I’m not perfect, and doing it by hand gives different, stronger sensations. We decided he’s addicted (he was the first to say he had a problem with it).
Now he’s quitting. I’m trying to help him however I can. We talk when the urge hits him. He finds things to do around the house so he doesn’t think about it. He stays off those sites, avoids the computer and his phone, and he also has a content filter installed. I support him and I’m patient. I motivate him. He realises that porn and playing with himself are gone for good, and he’s coming to terms with it. That only sex will be left. And that’s where a question comes up for both of us: is oral sex okay? When, and how often? We’d both like to know. I also keep wondering what else I can do to help him.
At every turn we’re fed porn, lighter or harder. Men can get to it with one click; even on TV, in ordinary music videos, you can find “something for yourself”. People say masturbation is fine. Of course it is. But! Masturbation that happens now and then, not the kind that becomes your life and your way of coping with whatever is going on around you.
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