My fiancé has been struggling with porn addiction for more than ten years. It is (was? It’s still hard to say, because he only started trying to free himself from it a month ago) the centre of his life: a ritual he went through every evening when he got home from work, an irresistible force he couldn’t hold back, a release for tension and negative emotions. In his view there was nothing wrong with it, because it’s normal, after all, and it doesn’t hurt anyone. But it did hurt: himself and everyone close to him. With his withdrawal, his constant tiredness, his excuses, all so he could have his precious peace and give himself over completely to videos, webcams and escort ads. Nobody knew about it, so he didn’t see a problem either, until the person who loves him more than anyone in the world took an interest in how he was feeling and stumbled on all of it. It was really by accident, because he made an effort, he was active in bed and always willing, so at first glance nobody would have said he had any problem at all (well, apart from constantly checking out girls; even in a fitting room he wasn’t looking at me but at the girl trying on an outfit). I’ve known about his addiction for half a year. For half a year I asked him to try to give it up, I told him it hurt me, I told him what taking in too much of this stuff does to you, that one day he might bring a disease home. And the result? He deleted his history and insisted he had nothing to do with it anymore.
About two months ago he was one step away from hitting rock bottom: he was already in a prostitute’s flat when I started calling him again and again… He got scared and ran. Of course there was denial and explaining, but the facts turned out to be different. Only after hours of talking, and a breakup, and the litres of tears he cried, did he realise he had a problem, because before that neither talking, nor pleading, nor threats had helped. And then comes the question: what next? I know him like no one else, every flaw he has, and so what? Leave him to deal with it on his own? Yes, I left him, because no one had ever hurt me like that. He stripped me of my femininity. I felt like rubbish, I really did, because he chose a prostitute over a real, mature relationship with a young woman. As a result he shut himself away, cried like a child, didn’t eat, didn’t get out of bed, until finally his mum called me and told me what was happening to him. And what now? Pity, compassion, the years we’d spent together, love; realising that it’s an addiction, a million articles read, and a decision: I’ll help him! Because who else if not me? More talking again, a content filter, therapy. It brought us closer, the feelings definitely came back to life, but there’s a huge fear that it will come back like a boomerang. But to the point.
He went to therapy, and what did he hear? “I have a patient who watches porn eight hours a day. You watch for an hour a day, so you don’t have a problem; it’s normal.” Let that be a warning against entrusting your partner to a “specialist”, because, I’m sorry, but if a person is bothered even by spending a minute on this stuff and feels it affects them badly, then they should be helped. It’s like telling an alcoholic: “You drink half a litre in one go? Relax, don’t worry about it, we’ve got people here who can knock back a whole litre first thing in the morning.”
It’s hard, really hard, because in his case it had become a daily activity, apart from the days we spent together. Everything around him is a temptation, so his thoughts keep going back to all those girls, but he’s fighting and not giving up.
I admire women who stay by the side of a man whose eyes keep wandering and for whom every woman becomes a sexual object. Women who, as I’ve read, believe it will work out despite the failures along the way. Those who aren’t afraid that everything bad will come back, who aren’t afraid of further betrayals. I had the will to fight too, and hope, and I’m still supporting him today, but I don’t know for how long, because my strength is slowly burning out.
No published comments yet.