Reading other people’s stories makes me want to cry that a problem like porn addiction even exists. Unfortunately it affects my partner, and I’m not able to cope with it.
We’re not parents yet. It’s fapping in the other room, and the moment I get in the shower, a quick fap. Once he did it at his parents’ house. During a family dinner he went off to a room, claiming a migraine. I went to check how he was feeling. You can guess the rest… An argument and swearing, and that look on his face, like a hyena snatching carrion from a family of lions.
It seems to me that what’s wrong in our society is that boys masturbating and talking about porn isn’t taboo in their circle. I think men consider it natural and not-bad, and porn sites simply a product of advanced civilisation. So why not use it, since it’s there. Men often explain to women that it’s better to fap than to go to a strip club or a brothel.
My partner has been “fapping” presumably since he found his first porn on the internet. We’ve known each other a long time. A few years after the wedding, the moment came to become parents. We’re trying. And nothing.
I want to describe what a woman feels when she’s lied to and deceived in such an ugly way after all those lovely years together. We had quite a few problems, which we managed to get through. But I can’t crack this one or help us now. It seems to me the fault lies with me. The worst part is that I partly feel I’m kidding myself when I say that, but you know, women’s logic.
I think about how things used to be, before men could browse porn sites. Back then a man who was bored with his partner went as far as cheating. Fine, there were “innocent” magazines and pictures. But the climax was still an affair. Today the first step is porn, straight away. What will be next? I think about how a woman who was cheated on felt back then, and how a woman feels today who catches her husband watching perfect breasts bouncing in time to a certain bulk being shoved into various holes. I don’t see any difference in the emotions churning inside a woman in those two cases. Where is the love and the sense of safety? What about experiencing pleasure together?
I felt as if my partner had stuck a spoon into my stomach and was stirring it in time to Beethoven’s Fifth. Confusion, and every bad thought flooding into my head. Why? What did I do to him? I meet his expectations, I turn him on, he adores my body. What about me?
Once I got angry. I switched porn on in front of him and told him to watch it. He called me disgusting. He’s disgusted by me.
Today my marriage has no future. My partner blames me for what he does; according to him it’s none of my business. Only recently did I understand that it’s not my fault. I’m stressed, I’m taking pills for depression. I want to get out of this, but I’m considering divorce. The worst part is what I’ll tell the people closest to me, like, why? I don’t know how my life will turn out. I’ve had enough of tears, of my heart pounding with fear of losing the man I love, of living in constant lies.
I still believe my partner can get through this. I’ve given up.
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