My man is one of the addicted too, and I’m standing by him. I found out about everything after more than a year and a half together. I know that admitting it all wasn’t easy for him. I won’t describe everything, but the news hit me like a bolt from the blue. He had already driven me to tears before that… Looking back, would I forgive him? I don’t know.
So many thoughts, thousands of thoughts, going round and round when there was no sex for two or three weeks. And at the same time he was saying he loved me. I kept wondering what was wrong. Was it something about me? Did he not find me attractive anymore? And then suddenly the sentence came out… I’m addicted to porn… I felt… hmm… I don’t even know what to call the feeling… pain, disappointment. I felt like a dirty floor rag. Ugly, stinking, unwanted, plain and invisible. My self-esteem dropped to zero. A sea of tears. He didn’t ask for help; it was me who offered it. And once again I lost my trust in him. After a while I asked to have a look at his “work” computer. I checked the history and… the tears welled up. He was watching porn again, browsing through scantily dressed girls, girls in bikinis… photo after photo. Disappointment, pain, he’d deceived me again… What is wrong with me, that he’d rather look at all these half-naked girls? Why does he reach for porn? I’m ugly. I felt unwanted, rejected. I would happily have put a black trash bag over myself. That’s how I felt then.
He installed a content filter on his computer. But what good was that, when I caught him again at his office. I wanted to surprise him, I looked in through the window and… there was my man, looking photo after photo at young, scantily dressed women, breasts and backsides on display. The look on his face when I knocked on the window.
Sometimes I wonder about those photo galleries of women, the “big busts” and “women from behind” kind of thing, the sort you find all over the internet. Should he be looking at them at all, or is that just me being petty?
It’s been about eight or nine months now since I found out about everything. I’m still haunted by the thought of whether he’s watching and masturbating.
I’ve cried more than once over these months. I don’t want to be deceived anymore, I don’t want lies!!! My man treats this problem, our problem, as taboo. I know it isn’t easy to talk about, but we love each other and I want us to get through this together.
How long can a person hold out? Will there ever be a day when I’m not suspicious? Will I have the strength to get through all this?
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