I’m Jake, I’m 24 and I’m in my fourth year of college. I’m writing because I want to share my experience with others. Maybe someone will read this and understand the problem earlier, before it has serious consequences.
My history with porn started more or less the way it does for everyone, but I have to say I figured out what was going on fairly quickly and wanted to quit. Only that brought me completely different problems.
It began around seventh grade, when, with all the hormonal changes of a boy going through puberty, I got interested in softcore pictures that were very easy to come across, usually in places that had nothing to do with sex. They were most likely put there to sell more = business. What else would you expect? All of porn is a business that preys on young and weak people, robbing them of a normal youth and the joy of life. Anyway, back to the point: that was also when my adventure with masturbation began. Of course, over time I watched harder and harder porn. Like for everyone, there came a moment when porn was practically always at hand, and whenever I wanted, I could watch it.
Somewhere around the middle of high school I understood that it was all one big pile of shit. From then on I obviously tried to quit, but for a long time without success. It was really depressing: every time I got rid of it, it always came back. I felt as if I were two people at once. One was the guy who watched porn and was into sex, and the other was always down, crushed by another failed attempt to quit, and it kept switching back and forth. Of course I had longer breaks, sometimes a month, sometimes a week, but it always ended the same way. Still, it wasn’t all for nothing, because before that I’d been doing it several times a day, and since then it’s been about twice a week on average, so you could call it cutting down. It left me with depressive states, a complete lack of motivation, problems with other people and a total lack of concentration. Anyone who has known me since I was a kid must have noticed that something was wrong. I used to always be smiling. I had great grades, lots of friends and a good sense of humour, because I was always laid-back, and with that attitude everything somehow came easily to me. And now I get worked up like you wouldn’t believe.
Porn made me afraid of the people around me. I first noticed it before my final exams. I have plenty of friends and I’m no loner; I like talking to people. But I noticed that at parties I felt some strange fear, and honestly I don’t even know why. The worst was public speaking. It was terrifyingly stressful and exhausting for me. We’ve all seen how pathetic someone looks when they’re stressed during a presentation. The most interesting thing is that I know it’s only in my head, because it used to be completely different. I used to walk out in front of a whole room smiling, relaxed, with no tension at all, and with total confidence I could wing it and talk about things I hadn’t even prepared for. I can honestly say I was really good at it compared with others. Now it’s completely different. Even a bigger group of people stresses me out, and I’m surprised at myself that it’s like this. It’s that inner shame that causes the feeling. And no wonder we have trouble with girls, when deep down we feel rotten and think about sex instead of enjoying the conversation. Often what they’re saying to us doesn’t even get through, and as we all know, it’s hard to talk to someone who isn’t listening, so it’s no surprise.
Another problem porn caused in my life is premature ejaculation. I don’t have any problems with erections, unlike many men who, from what I’ve read, watched porn for several hours a day. For me it was different. I only ever watched for ten or fifteen minutes at most, which surely trained me into the habit of finishing too fast and losing control. Maybe I didn’t get to the same state as others, because hardcore porn didn’t do anything for me at all; I searched more for the prettiest actresses than for hardcore stuff. I’ve been with my current girlfriend for over three years, and to be honest I often have to work pretty hard to delay my orgasm and satisfy her.
My efforts to quit porn weren’t for nothing; I’ve relaxed about the whole thing. Lately I don’t count days anymore, but this year, compared with how it used to be, porn is a rarity for me. If it weren’t for sex and the fact that I’m satisfied, I’d probably have fallen back into porn. But it’s clear to me now: I won’t go back to it, because I simply don’t want to. I have this sense of disgust after the way it wrecked me. My last slip was, as far as I remember, about six weeks ago, and since then I don’t even think about it; somehow it doesn’t pull me. I’ve made love with my girlfriend a few times since then, but I want to stop that for now too, because there will be time for it, and I want to be ready for it then. I love spending time with her, so I’ll try to fill it some other way.
I can say that after a longer break from porn you start thinking more about what’s around you, and your concentration improves a lot. If I like a girl, I often think about how nice it would be to talk with her and have a laugh, not about sex. I don’t know how it works, but then they respond in a very similar way, not like before. I’ve had a few situations like that recently that surprised me really positively, so you automatically gain some confidence. And of course I’m more relaxed now and I like laughing with other people. I didn’t have that with porn. Slowly I’m coming back to myself. As for this, what should I call it, social phobia, that’s much better too. Before, I barely spoke in company, which makes sense: when something stresses you out, it’s hard to say anything sensible. So at some point I decided I’d start by telling jokes at parties. You could find lots of different ones to fit the situation. They let me speak up in front of a bigger group and loosened up the atmosphere at the same time. I treated it as training; that was how I broke through the barrier of the fear porn had pushed me into. I have to say it really works. It started with that, and now I can join conversations calmly, without any stress, like I used to.
As for the habit of finishing too fast, honestly it’s no tragedy. Of course, I’m not planning to keep having sex right now. I want to give up sex too for a while and give myself time for things to settle.
I wish everyone would stay as far away from this shit as possible. It’s only an illusion of pleasure, invented to make money off addicts.
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