I’ve been in total pieces for a long time. I’m Sam, I’m 32, and I can’t cope with myself. It’s a nightmare.
From the beginning: my fascination with porn started when I was about fifteen. Porn has always been in my life and never really bothered me. Women always liked me, and I had pretty, fun, intelligent girlfriends. Today I know I could have had more of them if it weren’t for porn, but well, I accept that loss with humility. Nobody’s perfect; everyone has weaknesses; I deal with it. I haven’t messed up anything serious in life because of porn. I have a decent job, a son, a wife; it’s OK. In theory it’s OK. Deep inside I’m one big ball of guilt and sadness, and this is why:
I met my wife six years ago. There was her and there was porn, not together, of course. We had good sex, sometimes better, sometimes worse. Maybe it annoyed me that I couldn’t last longer, and not in every position, because in some of them it was boom, over! We were good together, until three years ago, when we found out we were expecting. Basically from the start of the pregnancy we stopped having sex, and then, you know, nappies, milk, feeding, nothing… It was very hard for us to get back to a good sex life.
I think it’s my fault. Once we stopped, I escaped into porn, sex sites and so on; I got into it to the max. I don’t think the point here is to describe how much, how and so on… You can probably guess that if I’m writing about it, I’m overdoing it badly. Unfortunately my job makes it easy: for basically these whole three years, I’ve always done it at work. I work a lot, alone, in front of a computer, so my job feeds my addiction.
For some time now my wife and I have been trying to get “back” on the right track. I know and see that she needs it, that she wants me, that she’s trying; we both know sex is important for a relationship. I love her, I care about her, and despite everything I keep letting her down. I can’t last a week without porn and fapping. It’s a nightmare. Mostly I don’t get hard, and when I do, it’s not all the way, and what’s the use of getting hard if I can last a minute or two at most and then it’s over, or I need a rest. I’ve made myself into a hopeless lover. I have a moral hangover. She deserves more. She’s a great woman, pretty and athletic; she needs sex and I can’t give it to her, because I can’t call what I have to offer her right now sex. They’re more like clumsy attempts that satisfy neither of us. I’ll add that my preferences have changed: I want to do things with her… Yes, I admit it: the things I watch in porn.
I think part of my problem is that I live under constant stress: a stressful job, a lot on my plate, bills and payments, and a bad atmosphere in our relationship (a consequence of my problem). I can get by without porn with no problems, even for a longer time, but only as long as I’m not alone. When I’m alone I simply lose control of myself. It’s stronger than me, even when I know that in the evening after work I’ll be alone with my wife. It’s pathetic. I walk down the street with dirty thoughts, staring at other women’s backsides and imagining…
I’ll also add that I’ve always had a tendency towards addiction. In high school I was addicted to drugs; fortunately my dear mum, who has sadly passed away, helped me get out of it. Now she’s gone and I’m alone with this. I won’t tell my wife about it, ever! Even if someone urged me, told me it would help us: no! I don’t want her to know that her husband is a total loser. It also hurts me terribly that life is slipping away and I’m not using my potential. I’m stuck in this trap. I’m not developing, not learning new things; I’m lazy; I take what I get, not what I want.
About a year ago I read about porn addiction for the first time. At first it was a revelation, a huge boom, a real blow to my ego: an admission of something I had felt for a long time, that I’m stuck in this swamp. Unfortunately, even that didn’t help me. I’m writing because… well… I want to tell someone about it.
P.S. Sorry for how chaotic this is, but because of porn it’s hard for me to concentrate on anything…
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