Hi.
My name is Felix, and I’m twenty-one. My “adventure” started when I was around thirteen or fourteen, looking at photo shoots of models and actresses. Then came the films… I never got into any particular fetishes — just typical sex between a man and a woman, no anal or anything like that. It went on for years with varying intensity (sometimes once a week, sometimes every day, sometimes even several times a day).
I did it for different reasons: when I couldn’t sleep, when I was stressed, when someone had pissed me off, or out of boredom. Eventually I got fucking fed up and started looking for a solution. That’s how I came across some reading about porn, and I realised what a huge pile of shit porn is, and I decided I was done with all of it. And it actually worked… One week went by, then a second, then a third… I noticed I was more self-confident and more energetic; I started getting enough sleep and looking people straight in the eye. Honestly, I felt fucking awesome…
It all lasted until, on the way home from school with some mates, one of them put on a porno on his laptop. I told myself in my head that it was fake, that it didn’t do anything for me… Evening came, and the images came back… I gave in, and I was completely crushed… I decided not to give up and to start again, but I kept caving in — someone got me down, so what did I do? I jerked off. I was bored — same thing. I never matched my “record” again (though three weeks — some record that was). It’s probably been half a year now since I first tried to break free of this… I know how it affects my body, my behaviour and my relationships with other people… I tell myself never again, that it won’t get to me, but when it comes down to it, my hand goes into my pants on its own… I put on a porno, it turns me on, I jerk off, and suddenly, at the moment I come, what was turning me on five seconds earlier becomes disgusting. I snap out of the trance, I feel disgust at myself and at what I was watching, and I tell myself that was the last time… And it is, until some strong trigger takes control of me again. I’d like to finally stop this vicious circle of destruction, but it keeps running me over, again and again…
I even installed a content filter on my computer, but I managed to get around that too…
I wanted to write this down to get it all off my chest, because for obvious reasons I can’t talk about it with anyone I know.
Everything here depends on my attitude. No blocks or filters on the computer will help, because I know I’ll get around them anyway…
How do you stop yourself at the moment a little light goes on in your head: “How about a quick wank?” What could pull me away from this crap?
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