I won’t go on about how it started, but in a word: I’ve been stuck in porn for about thirteen years. It looks terrible written down, and it’s even worse when you think about how much of a break I’ve had from this evil in thirteen years. Maybe a month in total.
I don’t want to write out my whole story and everything I’m going through, because it would only repeat what so many others have described; from what I’ve read, we go through a lot of the same things, the same worries, the same regret, the same sadness. I wanted to write about what frightens me most, which is the hope of getting out of this slipping further and further away. Sometimes, while I’m watching porn, nothing matters to me anymore, and that indifference is terrifying. I’ve tried to pick myself up so many times, and nothing. I do sport at a competitive level, not professionally, but a fairly hard one, mountain biking; I take part in races. I play guitar. On top of that I’ve just been promoted into a management role, I have a mountain of work, and what happens? The thought is still there that porn exists and I can watch it, and I watch it.
The worst part is that even as I write this I feel a kind of indifference, because I know I’ll do it again tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. I won’t hide it: porn has destroyed me as a person. Sometimes I try to imagine what my life would look like without it. I won’t be surprised to hear “you have to keep trying”, only I have tried, and nothing. I’d like to have the willpower I have when I’m racing or training, when my legs are burning and aching and I grit my teeth and tell myself the pain is temporary and will pass. Unfortunately I can’t use that in the fight against porn, which in my case seems to be winning.
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