I don’t buy the idea that quitting porn is a scam. My partner and I are the best proof of that. We’re in our fifth month off it now. Yes, me too: I liked porn myself and sometimes masturbated to it, though only occasionally, on lonely evenings when my partner wasn’t with me. But when he decided to finish with it for good, I joined him in that decision, if only because I’d learned that porn messes with your head whether you want it to or not.
Over these five months everything has changed. I’ll start with him. After three months his morning erections came back, and some time later the night-time ones and spontaneous ones during the day as well. More and more often he’s the one who starts sex, which used to happen rarely. He looks me in the eye more, his posture has changed, he’s started doing things that give him pleasure and dug out old passions. He had moments of doubt, his libido stayed low for a long time, he spent too long playing games, swapping one addiction for another. But he pulled himself together, realised he was doing it wrong, and started putting his attention into things that make him happy but also help him grow. At first sex stressed him out a lot. He was afraid he’d finish too early and wouldn’t satisfy me, but after a few talks, once he felt supported, he stopped focusing on it. Even when our lovemaking ended too soon for me, he understood that he can always finish the job another way, that I don’t hold it against him at all, and that it takes nothing away from his manhood. Because damn it, it doesn’t matter how. What matters is that he made sure I got there and shows me that my pleasure counts for him too. It’s beautiful how more and more often I see his eyes light up when I’m getting changed in front of him, or when I press my whole body against him during a pause while we’re cooking dinner together.
Before, that kind of thing really didn’t do anything for him anymore, and now his reactions to such “ordinary” moments even surprise me. I get butterflies in my stomach like at the start of our relationship, and the spicy texts are coming back, when he’s at work and writes that he wants me. It’s almost unbelievable that things like this happen in a relationship that has lasted so long. We’re on a total high on each other right now, while other couples start getting bored of each other after a few years together. It’s something wonderful, and I wish every woman could experience it. Now sex is long, sensual and comes after great foreplay, but sometimes it’s also spontaneous and wild, the way we women like it too, when we can see that our man is decisive and turned on by us specifically.
There’s no frustration, no pressure, and nights without sex are no longer charged with the fear that he doesn’t love me anymore. They’re calm, full of cuddling and little gestures as we shift from spooning to something a bit looser :) As for me, giving up porn, even the occasional porn I watched, has made me think about my partner more eagerly and impatiently, but I’ve also taken responsibility for looking after our relationship and showing interest in him. My wish to show him tenderness outside the bedroom has come back (because men need it too). I want to be sexy for him more, to talk to him in the tone I used when I flirted with him at the start of our relationship. The little things that once made both of us want to be together are coming back. We decided to be each other’s only outlet for sexual tension, and it gave our relationship a new quality that carried over not just into bed but into how satisfied we are with the relationship as a whole :)
I have my passions, he has his, and when we tell each other about them, it’s usually a great prelude to more fireworks in the bedroom. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that it takes effort from both people: the man taking on the hard work of changing, the woman doing it too, supporting each other, allowing each other mistakes and small doubts. It pays back a hundredfold. But above all, talk to each other and open up to your partner, and a pretty good future is ahead of you. It isn’t magic. That’s just how it is.
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