Hi, my name is Carlos and I’m 33.
My adventure with masturbation started when I was about eleven. I was always hyperactive. At first it was my imagination, a few spicier bits from ordinary films and so on.
Over time it was material I found at my older brother’s, and eventually erotic and porn films, then the internet and so on.
I should add that I had a powerful sex drive. I did it up to several times a day. My life was slipping by on fapping, and even though girls liked me, I never had a girlfriend or any sexual contact with one.
When I was between twenty and twenty-one, I fell in love with a girl. Actually, she fell for me first; I was only her friend. I didn’t want to get involved with anyone, although she let me know she felt something for me.
Over time the friendship turned into a huge fascination and love. We became a couple, me 21 and her 20, both virgins, and me fapping several times a day since I was eleven. When we met up, kissed and touched, my penis stood as hard as steel and reacted the way it should. After a few months we had our first sex, the first for both of us, ever. She bled and felt a little pain, but it was wonderful, and she even had an orgasm. Then we had a child, got married and so on. From the very first time the sex was wonderful. My penis always stood perfectly on command, stiff and hard, and we both got huge satisfaction from it, marathons of five times in a row when we met. I kept fapping several times a day, but the sex was wonderful; my penis didn’t let me down even once. After the wedding and the birth of our child, my wife lost some of her desire, but we still made love fairly regularly, roughly every other day.
The years went by, with problems and routine, but the sex was still wonderful and regular, although of course I always had the problem that it was too rare and that I was always the one who started it, because I cared more.
But in general, as far as sex went, I had no problems at all during that time, while fapping to porn several times a day.
After about ten years of marriage, it started bothering me more and more that my wife was acting strangely and that I had to ask for sex, which was still fantastic and trouble-free as far as erections went. I could delay ejaculation almost as long as I wanted, probably thanks to the edging I did while playing in front of the monitor.
So I had full control over my equipment, which still worked perfectly.
I started reading men’s dating advice online and became convinced that my wife didn’t love me any more, or had someone else.
I went on a break (from sex, not from masturbation), because after so many arguments about having to ask for sex, I was tired of humiliating myself.
My wife tried to seduce me several times, surprised and intrigued that I didn’t want sex. After about three weeks (a very long break for us) and a talk, we had more than a month of the best sex of our lives, sometimes even twice a day.
I was in seventh heaven that I finally had what I wanted. Over those ten years together, my wife complained that I didn’t hug her enough and only did it to lead to sex.
Eventually, after that good stretch, my wife lost her enthusiasm again, and I reacted with another break from sex. She tried to climb on top of me several times; despite wanting it badly, I didn’t let her, and after four or five attempts she gave up. I was trying to bring about a conversation, but one that would come from her, not from me.
Of course, the whole time I was fapping to porn several times a day.
In the end, after more than a month, my wife admitted she had been having an affair at work for three years!!!
My world collapsed. I didn’t show any emotion; I wished her and her lover good luck and moved out to my mother’s.
She said she would move out of our flat within days and that I should move back in; she would sleep on a mattress in the other room until she and her lover found a place. I agreed, and we lived together. Then she said she wanted to come back because she loved us both. I said no. She was all over the place. Meanwhile I was chatting on social media with various women, she made jealous scenes, and life was a nightmare. I filed for divorce, and while we waited for the hearing, she dressed up every day after work to go to her lover. I laughed in her face, but inside I was going through trauma; every night I dreamed about the two of them having sex.
To let off steam, I quickly invited over a moderately attractive female friend for sex while my wife was at work. For more than twelve years I’d had one woman, and now I was trying my luck with a second.
This is where the trouble began. Despite her efforts with her hand and mouth, my penis didn’t react. Zero feeling.
I was ashamed and felt humiliated. It was the first time anything like that had happened to me in my life.
I explained it to myself as huge stress and her not being very attractive.
I kept chatting online with various women. Meanwhile I went back to training (I had been going to the gym for over a decade) and lost 12 kilos, but I was also drinking often.
With one of those women I was writing more and more and building an emotional bond. She wanted to visit me, but that last failure was stuck in my head and I kept putting it off. Finally we met, and time flew unbelievably fast. We spent several hours together without much physical contact apart from hugging. I should add that she was very attractive physically. We wrote to each other more and more, even six to eight hours a day.
By then I was divorced, and it suddenly dawned on me that a lot of women found me attractive. I was shocked by the interest they showed.
And of course, I was still fapping the whole time :)
A little over a month after the divorce we met again. She was at my place and we hugged. The next day we saw each other again and she decided to kiss me passionately, and then we kissed very passionately. My body was trembling; at that point I hadn’t been with a woman for almost four months. Finally we took our clothes off. I stayed in my underwear and pleasured her with my fingers and tongue. She reached for me. She was incredibly attractive and very sensual, and she had three orgasms in a row from my touch, while I was limp. Earlier, during the kissing, something had stirred; while I didn’t know it would lead to sex, it stood for a moment.
I was crushed and put it down to stress after the divorce. She was tender and understanding and told me no man had ever affected her the way I did, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. How could she like me when I couldn’t even get hard?
During that meeting she had about five orgasms. I did it with my tongue and fingers.
Some time later we met a second time, at her place, and I stocked up on pills to push through the stress. They didn’t work at all. They were probably some kind of fakes from the internet.
A few hours after taking the pill, which in fact hadn’t worked, I got an erection while I was touching her. We made love for 45 minutes. She came several times in that time, but I couldn’t. I was dropping from exhaustion because I couldn’t come. But I was pleased it had stood up, and happy as a little kid.
Then a second try the same day: another half hour and more, and no orgasm, but the erection was fine.
I was happy that it was finally almost OK, and sure it would keep getting better.
Some time later she came to see me as a surprise, and again, during foreplay, I was limp.
I explained it to myself by the fact that I had been with one woman for so many years, and my nervous system had to get used to her touch.
I didn’t connect it with fapping, since through all those years of fapping while I was with my wife, it had never let me down.
The next time we met at my place, I pleasured her with my tongue and fingers. (I’ll add that I find her more attractive than my wife; she’s younger and better-looking than my ex-wife.)
I was crushed again. At three in the morning we lay down and I wanted to fall asleep, and just when I had made peace with the situation, she suddenly took matters into her own hands and it was fantastic. We made love, with breaks, from three until almost nine.
I was in seventh heaven, sure the problems were over.
The next time, in a hotel, it didn’t work again, and it went on like that several times: it works, it doesn’t work. A lottery.
At the start of autumn I came across a website about porn addiction and gave up porn and fapping. I still have fantasies, mostly about her, because we see each other fairly regularly, and, as they say, I “check whether it works”. In my hand the erection is usually perfect and stiff, and I can keep it up by hand for as long as half an hour. I’ve noticed a drop in libido and drive, but sometimes I wake up with a tent after an erotic dream, and I check. But without orgasm; I know I shouldn’t be doing it. As for sex with my current partner, she mostly pleasures me orally and that’s how I reach orgasm, sometimes coming on a partial erection. Sometimes we have regular sex and the erection is fine, but most often it’s hard for me to keep it from the beginning to the end. Still, it does happen now and then, say every other time we meet.
I’ll add that I haven’t watched porn for almost two months now. I do have fantasies about real women fairly often, or erotic dreams, after which I touch myself. In these almost two months I have fapped twice, both times in the last week, fantasising about her. The erection was fine, but the first orgasm was ugly; the second one was all right.
I’m wrapping up my story. I keep wondering whether what’s happening to me is because of fapping or because of the stress after the divorce, and whether, if I had stayed with my wife, it would have happened to me as well, and at the same time.
One more thing I forgot: she knows everything, that I was addicted to porn and masturbation, and about the earlier failed episode. She cheers me on and is understanding.
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