Not long ago I realised how huge a problem I have. I’m 19. I watched porn and masturbated from about the age of thirteen, almost every day. I had no idea what a swamp I was getting myself into. Not until now. I’ve understood and worked out the mechanisms that push me into it… I’ve become aware of it; it’s a shame it happened so late.
I started to worry that something was wrong with me. Because I’ve never had sex, and I’d really like to be normal and start enjoying a sex life with my girlfriend and sharing it with her. Unfortunately the first attempts were a failure: I either didn’t get hard at all or it was too soft and I couldn’t get inside her; she didn’t turn me on the way the “babes” in the videos did. At one point I fell into such a hole that I started wondering whether I might be gay… Yes, thoughts like that went through my head. But I can confirm that I’m 100% straight. This situation is really getting me down.
I quit once before. It lasted about a month and a half and there were results, but unfortunately I couldn’t keep it up and fell back into a binge that lasted four months. I’ve decided I’m finishing with it for good, and I’m convinced I’ll succeed. Right now I’m starting my third week. I don’t think about porn, I’m not drawn to it, my libido is low, I don’t dream about sex at all right now. Down there it’s practically dead, but during these two weeks I did once wake up with morning wood, for the first time in a very long time. I’ve found a new hobby and I’m managing my time. I sometimes have mood swings. One moment MAXIMUM confidence, the next I’m in a HOLE.
Unfortunately I sometimes have a lot of fears, because I’m afraid I won’t get back to the point where I can have normal, healthy sex. I picture myself only ever jerking off and never getting a “taste” of the real thing. It’s a crushing thought. I’ve tried many times not to think about it, but it keeps coming back. Will I ever be able to enjoy normal intercourse with a partner? Will a woman’s naked body on its own turn me on again, the way it once did? Or has this gone so far that it can’t be reversed? I’m a pessimist by nature.
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