I’m in my second month of recovery. I started masturbating to porn as a kid, but the most intense period has been the last five years or so. I’m 30. Women have passed through my life, and every one of them sooner or later left, and whenever I failed in bed I always blamed it on something else, or simply on my partner.
Recently, fate smiled on me. Six months ago I met a wonderful woman; it was like a bolt from the blue. Not only is she incredibly beautiful and shapely, she’s also amazingly intelligent. It sparked between us almost immediately. We quickly became a couple and ended up in bed. And it was a flop across the board. However much I wanted her body, I couldn’t bring my penis back to life… At first I blamed it on alcohol, so we didn’t drink anything before sex; same result. So then it was work, the weather, lack of sleep, feeling low, or something else; you name it. All the while I didn’t give up porn, even though there was an angel of a girl right there within arm’s reach, and an understanding one at that!! The only thing that started to worry me was that over time she faded too. I noticed sadness in those wonderful eyes, fear; she lost her confidence and her attractiveness.
Our sex was sometimes better, sometimes worse. On the whole, I was never as aroused as I could be with porn, even though she’s quite a woman and hot in bed on top of that. I don’t want this to sound stupid, but no woman has ever given me head the way she can… And still my penis would go limp. And I still didn’t see the problem, because with porn it was hard as a rock!!
One day I lent my beloved my laptop for a few days, because hers had broken and she had to write her master’s thesis. I trusted her completely, so I wasn’t afraid of anything. After those few days she brought it back, and there was hatred in her eyes. She told me she’d been using the internet, she hadn’t wanted to look at my history, but I never even deleted the pages, and they were everywhere: in the bookmarks, in recently viewed, and every address she typed into the browser brought up porn suggestions. So she looked at the history and was in shock. She said she felt like someone had punched her in the face, as if I’d been cheating on her and deceiving her, and that now she understood why I couldn’t get hard. And I, the proud male, instead of owning up, wriggled out of it, blamed her for my lack of erection, explained that every guy watches porn and reeled off plenty of examples. Then came the stage of promising I wouldn’t do it any more, that I’d change, but I had no conviction whatsoever that my problem came from porn, so sooner or later I went back to it. And she would discover it, and there were rows, tears, her sadness, and my anger at her, not at myself…
One day my girlfriend sent me a website about porn addiction. I didn’t want to read it; I decided it was a load of rubbish and she should leave me alone. But the climax was still to come. I wanted to make love to her for the umpteenth time, as usual I was going limp, and suddenly… images from porn started appearing in front of my eyes. I wanted her to do the same things, and at the mere thought of the clip… my penis went hard as a rock. So I entered her, delighted, and after a few thrusts it dropped. I understood that I had a problem.
I went looking for that site. I read it cover to cover. To my devastation, all of it fit… why does nobody talk about this… oh right, because porn is a business. And there I was thinking I’d have to go to a doctor and take pills. My girlfriend read the site too, before I did, so she understands what’s going on. Even so, my heart breaks when I see that she’s suffering too…
Since I went into recovery my libido has started to drop. Right now it’s almost zero. The only thing that bothers me is the memories of porn that come back now and then. I dream about it at night. During the day, a sudden association. I don’t feel drawn to watch it, but my brain sends me projections. Could that be a sign it’s cleaning itself out?
I don’t feel drawn to sex either, even though my beloved has a phenomenal body, a beautiful face and, as I keep saying, she’s good at it and has a very high libido. I hope she can hold out, and that one day, pardon my language, I’ll finally fuck her the way we’ve both always dreamed. Right now the only thing that terrifies me is this temporary incapacity. I hope it passes. And every day I buy my woman flowers and tell her how much I love her. Because it was thanks to her that I understood my problem and wanted to change.
I go to the gym every day, and I feel, more and more, that one day everything will go back to normal. I’ll be back in the world of the living, not one of the porn zombies.
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