Hi!
I’m twenty-five.
I would like to share the story of my struggle with PMO and speak publicly, though anonymously, so I can find the strength to talk about my problem with a friend in real life. I don’t yet have the courage because shame is holding me back.
My nightmare with P began in earnest—as you might expect—as soon as my computer was connected to the internet in 2020. Before that it had only happened occasionally: some P from friends on CDs or whatever else I could get my hands on. Naturally, I became fascinated because it seemed like very pleasurable entertainment without negative consequences. After all, masturbating in front of the computer felt good. Over time I watched more and for longer, eventually averaging about two hours a day, although my longest session lasted around four hours. I could never finish at the time I had planned. I stopped only when my testicles hurt from what I believed was an excess of semen. Then came the next session the following day, and the cycle continued. Eventually, the amount of time I was wasting began to frighten me. It proved to me that I was trapped, unable to stop and lacking the strength to do so.
P was also my “medicine” for every problem. I used the dopamine dose I associated with PMO to compensate for shyness, stress, difficulty making friends, not having a girlfriend, tiredness and so on. Whenever I felt bad, I watched and masturbated. I probably don’t need to add that PMO did not solve any of those problems; it intensified them. I avoided contact with people. Although several people said I was likeable, I generally preferred to shut myself in my room and play computer games or masturbate like some kind of “wild man.” Natural desires for acceptance and love could not be satisfied that way, so I returned to my “mood booster.” I created a vicious cycle that I couldn’t escape. In 2022 I did stop watching, but only for a few weeks. I now know that attempt was unsuccessful because I continued fantasizing and masturbating.
This year, 2024, has been a turning point in my life. A desire grew in me to become a mature man and a dependable person who pursues his dreams, plans and desires instead of escaping adult life into PMO and video games. At twenty-five, it was high time to leave childhood behind and pull myself together. My first permanent job at a company helped me a great deal. It was very hard and demanding, physically and mentally, but it built my character. I had to learn diligence, hard work, responsibility and cooperation. It changed me and gave me confidence that I could fight adversity.
During that period I understood that if I wanted to be happy, I had to put even more effort into changing my whole self. I became convinced that I would never overcome my shyness and lack of confidence or create a successful relationship with a woman unless I stopped PMO. I read Philip Zimbardo’s “The Demise of Guys.” It opened my eyes and frightened me deeply because I realized that my condition was even worse than I had believed. That was my moment of “hitting the wall.” You mentioned the book on your blog, which is equally valuable to me because it provided the direct impulse to stop PMO. It was the spark that reached a barrel of gunpowder: your post in an online discussion was the spark, while the desire to repair my life that had already grown inside me was the powder. Honestly, at first I was surprised that so much attention was given to self-development as a way of overcoming PMO rather than to technical ways of fighting the addiction directly. Now I understand why.
I haven’t watched P since the end of August. Absolutely none since then. I am proud of myself. I don’t even feel drawn to P, because after understanding what it took from me, I came to hate it. Returning to P is not an option. I feel a motivating anger.
I have drastically reduced M, from once or twice a day to once or twice a week. That is another reason to be proud. The longest I have managed without M is fifteen days. I still have a lot to improve in this area. I believe I must stop completely. Unfortunately, on several occasions I have also fantasized while doing M. The impulse strikes especially when I am physically weak or half asleep. I simply wake during the night and begin masturbating. It feels like a reflex; I don’t even have time to consider what I am doing. My senses take control, and willpower doesn’t seem to exist in that moment. There is no will when the mind is asleep. I think my problem is that I approached the struggle with M too generally. Fine, I have willpower and a resolution not to do it again—but how do I control myself during that one brief moment of arousal immediately before M? I need to devote more attention to this question on YourBrainOnPorn.com and put the advice into practice.
Finally, the most important question: Do I see benefits from giving up PMO?
Yes! I feel like a real man. I am proud that I am moving persistently and consistently toward a chosen goal despite adversity, and I am succeeding. I am more self-confident, look people in the eye and am beginning to recognize my real worth. I form friendships. I praise people even for small things. I look for good qualities in others even when there is something I dislike. I try to make the best possible use of every moment with other people. I feel more liked, even though I say “no” more often and put meeting my own needs first—especially at work, following “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” I am not afraid of my own needs, yet I am not selfish in the way I used to be.
I am no longer as depressed or broken. I don’t surrender to negative emotions; I respond to them constructively by taking long, frequent walks outdoors—it helps, believe me—meeting friends and learning to dance. I have become more sociable. I have begun noticing that girls find me attractive, and I am no longer afraid of that or intimidated by it. I want as much contact with the opposite sex as possible. This isn’t about sex, but about forming bonds, including ordinary social connections.
I also feel that my brain has understood that certain physical needs can be met only with a woman. I am beginning to accept my sex drive and trying to use it as a source of energy for action rather than something I must fear or feel ashamed of. Women have become people with personalities and emotions to me, rather than pieces of meat for sex. I admit that I remain sensitive to certain stimuli and have to control where I look and watch my thoughts.
My overriding goal is to create a successful relationship. I want to prove to myself that I have matured enough to start a family and that I can also bring happiness to another person.
I have stopped playing computer games. I can hardly believe it myself—especially the games that triggered aggression and frustration in me. I don’t even want to play “peaceful” games such as racing or football anymore. I always believed games were what kept me stuck. At one point I realized that of the two things preventing my emotional development—P and games—the games may actually have had the more negative effect. I don’t mean the violence they contain, but what I see as the disastrous effect on a young person’s mind of fundamentally worthless entertainment, especially the enormous amount of time spent in isolation. I had reached that conclusion even before reading “The Demise of Guys.” Now I know that games and P often go together and, in my words, can mess with your head in an extraordinary way. They messed with mine, but now the land is being reclaimed ;-] and I am returning to normality.
My struggle continues, even though I am undoubtedly succeeding. Every area I have discussed still contains something to improve. But I focus on the positives and keep moving forward—always, and despite everything—because it truly makes sense.
“I am bigger than this.”
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