Hi!
I’m 23, and I started masturbating to porn when I was 18. After only a few months I stopped having orgasms with my boyfriend (before that everything was fine, and I was generally always in the mood for love ;)). Fittingly enough, it was that same boyfriend who once showed me that there’s such a thing as hentai, and… it has stayed with me for these five years. Ordinary porn repelled me; I thought it was disgusting. With hentai, though, I didn’t have the feeling that someone was suffering to make these films, and the fairly extreme things that happened in them aroused me more than any real acts.
My boyfriend noticed something, but sex still gave me satisfaction and I was aroused, so the lack of orgasms didn’t change how often we had sex. It did, however, affect our relationship as a whole. I didn’t put two and two together and didn’t know that the sudden lack of orgasms was caused by porn. I thought the relationship had burned out, that my boyfriend was doing something wrong. When I think about it now, I feel very guilty that I shifted the blame onto him so easily. We’re not together any more.
I masturbated mainly out of stress. It was my way of “unwinding” after a hard day. I could come three times in a row, and I usually did it two or three times a week. Of course, after every session I was crushed by guilt and promised myself never again. Unfortunately, porn also affected my mind. From a delicate girl I became more “liberated”. And I don’t mean cheating or casual sex, but the way I talked about sex and thought about it. Everything in my head became more extreme and brutal. Even though I carefully hid from everyone that I watched porn, I had the impression people could somehow sense it anyway. I’ll add that I have no trouble making friends, including with guys, so at least porn didn’t take me over completely.
And that’s how it went, until a year ago I came across a website about porn addiction and realised that I was addicted, and that it works a lot like drug addiction. I installed a content filter, but unfortunately my computer kept crashing and I couldn’t work on it, and I need it for my studies, so I uninstalled it. On so-called willpower alone I lasted three weeks at most, and even then I was masturbating to hentai replayed in my head. The whole of last year was a fight like that: two weeks of calm, then the ovulation phase (a woman usually wants sex more at that time) and everything fell apart. Then two weeks of calm again. And so on.
Since the beginning of this year I’ve had a filter on my computer and my phone, I’ve put the password far out of my reach, and somehow I’m managing. Interest in normal sex is slowly coming back, although I feel it will take months before I wean my brain off having orgasms only when I masturbate.
I have a few female friends who started watching porn and reacted exactly the way I did: they couldn’t reach orgasm with their partners. Even after just a few sessions in front of the computer, normal sex stopped being satisfying. I think it’s absurd that nobody talks about these effects of pornography at school, in sex education or anything like that, because it’s a huge danger.
Greetings to all the girls fighting this. I’d love to know whether other women have come out of it. I hope that one day I’ll get 100% satisfaction from sex with a man, not a computer.
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