Hi. I have to admit I’ve got lost, and badly. I’ve watched porn since I was a kid. About two years ago a kind of stagnation set in: ordinary porn stopped turning me on. For about a month now I’ve wandered into trans porn, and it’s messing with my head terribly. I’m not gay or anything. I’d like to build a real relationship with a woman, but I’ve never had one, and I’m 23. Every time I tried to get something going with a girl, I got blown off, went home to porn and masturbated. Back then, that satisfied me.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot that something is wrong with me, that I’m some kind of psycho, or gay. So I went to a bar with friends, drank seven beers, and went to see a woman from an escort site. Under the alcohol I didn’t feel any arousal at all. I was half soft (though I did leak a bit, so somewhere underneath I must have felt something). And the question came back again: maybe my orientation is different after all.
Now I’ve gone five or six days without masturbating. I told myself I’d see whether my old videos still turned me on. For better or worse, it went up and it was hard, but I didn’t feel the dopamine. I finished and felt no satisfaction. This morning I put on trans porn with a woman in it, and that was only so-so as well.
I keep wondering whether I should go back to the escort site sober and check whether everything is okay, because I really don’t know what to do.
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