Hi, I’m Liam.
I’m writing this a bit incoherently, because I have so many thoughts in my head that it’s still hard to put them in order.
It took me a long time just to discover that this was an addiction. I used to treat NoFap as something funny, a challenge for geeks or something. Obviously the problem didn’t apply to me.
Now I’m fully aware of the scale of it. I have loads of symptoms of addiction; when I read articles, every one of them seems to describe my life. It’s incredible and depressing at the same time. But I have a strong mind, and I know I’ll beat this, the way I’ve beaten other problems in my life. Porn took control of me without my even noticing (it’s completely pathetic — how could I not see it?).
I’m convinced that a lot of my problems come precisely from porn and fapping. I’m often irritable, short on sleep and tired, I can’t concentrate, and I have a feeling that something is wrong with me, but I don’t know what. I’m leaving out the purely sexual side here, because that’s obviously connected with porn. But the fact that porn is what’s wearing me out is a genuine shock to me! To be honest, I hope that’s the cause, because I know I can win against that — it would be worse if it were some serious illness — so it’s a kind of consolation.
I started having problems with erections :/ It’s terrible, a disaster for a man :(
It often happened with women that things were brilliant and I drifted off somewhere far away; it stopped turning me on. Something beautiful, something that gave a woman pleasure like she’d never felt in her life, started to bore me. I was honestly thinking about trivial stuff instead of focusing on the intimate moment with her.
With one of them it was a total fail — completely limp, and she was in shock. After about an hour I got my erection back and we managed. But it was a nightmare; I didn’t feel any arousal. It was completely dark; she had turned off all the lights. I couldn’t see anything, and without that I couldn’t get aroused — I had to replay porn from memory :/
With another it was similar. The atmosphere of the evening was great, but once we got to bed it took me maybe an hour of working at it before I managed to get an erection. It went more or less okay, because she thought I was building the mood. By then I already knew something was wrong, and I started avoiding chances to have sex with her. After a while I tried again, and this time it was a complete humiliation. Totally limp, nothing helped; it was daytime, I could see her, and nothing. A month later she invited me to spend the night again, but I felt no arousal at all, even though we were lying naked next to each other. The worst part is that during that month I was already aware of the problem and couldn’t bring myself to fight it. Even an hour before leaving to see her, I was watching porn and “edging”, knowing perfectly well there would be a problem.
Today is day five of complete NoFap. No libido, women don’t interest me, I feel like less of a man. I’m really counting on this passing — it has to. I’ve started going to the gym again. The relationship with my last girlfriend has ended; it’s possible she broke up with me because of our last night. Time for big changes.
For me the worst thing is the lack of libido. I was always so horny, and now nothing :(
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