My life is terrible. I feel I won’t manage to change it.
I’m 33, and I’m addicted to porn and masturbation. Since I was about twelve, my life has been a chase after satisfying myself and my urges. From the moment I discovered masturbation, it swallowed my life. It was a very strong physical stimulus; it worked on me very powerfully. It was stronger than my body. And on top of that it gave me excitement, something that occupied and filled my time, the emptiness that was in my life. Even though I knew it was wrong, mean and degrading, it was like a drug. I knew I had problems: depression, shyness. I was very withdrawn, blocked, constantly tired and scared.
I couldn’t cope with my peers. I went through a daily trauma, unable to find my place at school. Masturbation and erotica gave me some kind of release, a very strong physical stimulus, excitement. At the same time it brought shame and separation from my family. It made me pull further and further away from my parents; on one level I hated them.
With my peers I couldn’t manage. Masturbation swallowed my life. I’d sit up until four or five in the morning hoping to catch a glimpse of nudity in whatever was on. I couldn’t sleep; I’d get up in the night to switch the screen back on. Every free moment I spent hunting for stimulation. Once we had internet at home, I very quickly mastered the art of finding porn and deleting the history. I want to stress how strongly it worked on me physically. I had very strong erections in all sorts of places, in church for example. Severe depression, isolation, no interests, no contacts, and addiction. Physically I felt like I’d been through a trauma. My insomnia got completely out of hand.
I made sporadic attempts to quit the habit, but I never managed to hold out longer than eight days. A disaster. I’m totally eaten up by this. I’ve spent whole years masturbating to porn. I led a double life. On the outside polite, shy, humble. Privately, emotionally destroyed and addicted to porn and masturbation. The consequences are terrifying: a mass of wasted time, no interests, no friendships, no people skills, no emotional maturity, no education, depression and insomnia. On top of that I have premature ejaculation. A few seconds and it’s over. Sex is tragic, practically impossible. I’ve been married for seven years, and we have a two-year-old daughter. Porn is like a cancer destroying my marriage. It’s terrible how destroyed I am by this, and how weak I am.
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