I decided to write about my history with porn. It all started somewhere around fifth grade. I’m 23 now, and unfortunately it’s still going on… But to the point.
For a long time I felt there was something wrong with me. I felt soft, like anyone could walk all over me, and the thing that gave me the most pleasure was sitting alone at home and jerking off at the computer, switching back and forth between videos and gaming. I had girlfriends, but everything always went to hell because of porn and jealousy. Yes, jealousy: even when things in the relationship were good, I’d always get angry that my girlfriend had male friends, at work or at university, for example. It’s not that they were flirting. I got angry about everything; I wanted to be the centre of attention. A limp-dicked wimp with no honour, asking about everything and controlling.
I went to a psychologist, jerked off less, and there was progress. I found things to keep me busy, and the longest I went without jerking off was about a month. I felt energy, but it was still shit: still no confidence, loneliness and stupid thoughts, including suicidal ones. I went back to masturbating, first edging and later just plain jerking off by hand. Every session made me want to scream and cry, I was so disgusted with myself.
There’s also a bad atmosphere at home. My father constantly starts rows with me and my mother, and I can’t stand up to him, because I know he’d be capable of beating me, and pretty badly; it’s happened before. Add to that the lack of confidence, running away from people, lots of failures, and you have the recipe for long, intoxicating moments in front of the computer with porn.
A year ago I decided I had to do something. I was on the edge of suicide. Because I’m studying a technical subject, I got a good summer job, and since I wanted to get out among people, I took an extra job in a restaurant as well. It was good: my time was filled and there was no porn, probably because I was so exhausted, since I was sleeping about four or five hours a night. Later I met a wonderful girl, and I’m still with her.
But I still slip. I don’t watch porn; if anything, I almost absent-mindedly open pictures on my phone and edge. Sometimes I finish, and sometimes I don’t want to and walk around charged up. Surprisingly, I have no problems with erections and I want sex, but I finish quickly, and afterwards I’m not interested in my girlfriend and her needs. I feel stupid and pathetic, because all I want is to come, to get some relief and forget about the world. I love her, and that’s why I’m trying to change something. She doesn’t know about my problem, and I don’t know whether to tell her.
The biggest problem is the crap in my head, my physical and mental weakness, a total lack of interests, except maybe gaming on the console, but I get so deep into the world of a game that, to feel better, I identify with the hero of whatever game it is. Yes, I’m 23 and I escape into games and heroes…
I don’t know what to do. Some people think stopping masturbation is easy. No, it’s damn hard; it’s a disease. As of today I’m starting the challenge again…
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