My story probably starts like so many others. I decided to write because I’m close to tearing my hair out and sliding into depression… but I want to act!
I won’t go on too long, because the story is the same as hundreds of others. I’ve masturbated since I was twelve or thirteen, right up to now, when I’m thirty-one. There were days off, but my breaks never lasted longer than two or three days before I was back to my nightly sessions in front of the computer. When I had a girlfriend there was less of it, of course, but it still happened… sometimes after sex I’d even go to the bathroom and jerk off. Why not?!
When did the problems start? Seven or eight months ago, when I broke up with my girlfriend… every evening I spent an hour or more watching porn and jerking off. Every single day, until I started watching harder and harder films, more and more elaborate, until I ended up at films with trans performers, whatever the right word is. The first warning sign came about five months ago, when I met a girl and my penis wasn’t fully hard. One round worked out, but a second was out of the question. The second time with the same girl was a disaster… I put it down to alcohol, the late hour, exhaustion and stress at work (which happened to be true). I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t give up fapping or porn; I carried on. A month or two after that, I met up with my ex and again we had wonderful sex. Without bragging, we made love for almost two hours in all our favourite positions. I felt like lord and master again: my dick stood, the woman came, mission accomplished. Because of that I felt no guilt and saw no problem, and I carried on with my sessions until about six weeks ago. A new girl, two attempts, soft. I blamed work and a project we had just finished, where for the previous two weeks we’d worked from nine in the morning until eleven at night. Exhaustion, that had to be it… sure :) Not hard to guess that this acquaintance didn’t pass the test, and I, with my honour in tatters, sank deeper into fapping.
For two weeks now I’ve officially been with another woman… I’ve had the chance to sleep with her at least three times… and I had to give up on sex, for obvious reasons. The arousal is there, but it doesn’t translate into an erection at all. For two weeks I haven’t watched porn, and in the past week I’ve masturbated only once. Is it better? Maybe a little… erections are starting to appear, but very weak ones. Sex is out of the question. Do I feel attracted to this girl? So-so… Am I crazy about her? YES! My feelings are huge and I’m one step from falling in love, so the problem is more likely in me.
I know it’s individual, but I keep asking myself when I’ll be able to have a full erection again, and want sex again.
I’ve had full blood tests done, including testosterone. I’m perfectly healthy, and my testosterone is slightly above the normal range. I move, I’ve started exercising every day, I eat fruit, drink water, I don’t smoke and I don’t drink.
One desperate night, after reading about all this, I dreamed for the first time in my life that I was giving a man oral sex. It’s not something I want and I’d never do it, but I think feeding myself ever harder porn has warped my head terribly. When will it reset?
I don’t have a problem with porn at the moment (two weeks without!), but I often look at “hot” girls in lingerie on men’s websites. Should I stop that too, or should I feed my brain so it starts fantasising about what’s under the bikini?
I’ve caught myself wondering whether I could take “something” so I could give my new girlfriend fantastic sex, even for one night. Maybe that would unblock me? Maybe the desire for sex would finally come back? I’ve even started to wonder whether going to a woman for money (someone new, a great body) might help and unblock my brain. That’s how far my thinking has gone.
I’m starting to wonder how destructive watching those trans films was for me… on one hand they put me off, on the other they turned me on. I’d watch one for three or four minutes until I felt sick of it, and then the next… WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?!
I want to fight. I have the strength and the motivation… but I don’t know how long it will take or when I’ll see results. Maybe watching porn has so warped my sense of what is arousing and what isn’t that a woman’s naked body won’t turn me on anymore?
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