Hello, I’m Arjun, and I’d like to tell you a little of my story involving masturbation. I’m writing this while overcome with emotion and feeling extremely low, because about thirty minutes ago I slipped again and relieved myself while watching pornography. But I’ll start at the beginning.
The beginning
It started the way it does for many people. I was sixteen when we got a permanent internet connection. That was also when my hormones and attraction to the opposite sex began to awaken. I met up with female friends and went on dates. There was some light touching but no intercourse, so I felt I had to release the tension somehow. I started downloading pornographic films and visiting video sites that worked like YouTube. At first, as is often the case, it seemed innocent: ordinary pornography. I continued meeting girls and even became increasingly bold and self-confident around them. I watched porn before leaving for school and went there incredibly aroused; I practically glowed.
But the first thing I did when I came home was watch porn and masturbate. At first it happened less often, then increasingly often. A slow mental decay also began. I started downloading material that was progressively harder, more intense and disgusting—what I would call sick porn. The remarkable thing is that I still saw no problem. I did become more tired, my grades got worse, and girls started saying that I behaved like a complete jerk and an ignorant person. I couldn’t see the problem, although by then I must already have been addicted.
When did I realize I was addicted?
I went to high school: new friends, new girls, while I sank deeper and deeper into pornographic films. Once the girls in my class got to know me, they said I seemed strange, nervous and often tired. Many people assumed I had spent another night playing computer games. The strange part is that by then I had already lost interest in flirting, yet after school I could spend three or four hours passionately watching porn and masturbate two to five times a day—sometimes as many as seven times a day on weekends. I still didn’t recognize a problem until I met a girl from another class. We started dating and stayed together for about fifteen months. We never had intercourse. While I was seeing her, I continued masturbating and watching pornography.
That was also when I discovered hentai, which completely messed with my head. I watched tentacles being inserted—you know where—vibrators, monsters, rape and women held in cages. Over time I watched increasingly disturbing hentai in which, for example, a woman was no longer a person but an object used only for sex. It wasn’t normal sex. They were cartoons, and they showed complete objectification and degradation of women as well as sadistic abuse.
Even when the relationship became serious, all we did was kiss, cuddle and touch each other a little. I didn’t have the courage to undress her because I simply couldn’t get an erection with her. The worst part was that after coming home from seeing her, I would turn on hentai and masturbate while imagining my girlfriend in the positions being shown on the screen. The relationship ultimately failed because of me, so we broke up. That was when I began noticing a gradual loss of emotion and realized something was wrong with me. But I kept going deeper into it. My final school exams were approaching, so I ignored the problem. Why deprive myself of pleasure?
I went to university without ever having had intercourse with a woman. I continued watching porn and hentai compulsively. At university I ended up in bed with three women, but I didn’t have intercourse with any of them. We would undress, but I couldn’t achieve an erection—nothing happened at all. I would perform oral sex and stimulate them with my fingers instead, then apologize because I couldn’t do it and felt ashamed and embarrassed. Fortunately, they were understanding and each quickly put the incident behind her.
I was twenty-three and had still never had intercourse, so I gave up on women and decided pornography was better. Meanwhile I felt progressively worse. I was permanently tired and sleep-deprived even when I slept for twelve hours. I failed a year of university. I decided cigarettes or excessive weekend drinking must be responsible, so I gave up drinking and smoking, but I still felt like shit. Then I found an online support forum and suddenly had a revelation: porn was to blame; most of my problems had been caused by watching too much pornography. I decided to quit, but more about that in a moment.
What happened to me while I masturbated and watched porn?
– I watched a lot of porn: first softer material, then increasingly hard, intense, dark, twisted and sick content. I genuinely needed stronger and stronger stimuli to become aroused.
– My relationships with women were terrible. I treated every woman I spoke to as an empty-headed idiot and mentally acted out porn scenes with her. I became a misogynistic asshole who hated women.
– My higher emotions, especially love and compassion, seemed to disappear. I couldn’t feel compassion for anyone or love anyone. The only emotions I experienced were greed and, at times, disgust.
– I had no energy for life, chronic headaches and pale skin. I didn’t want to do anything. I was constantly nervous and exhausted; everything irritated me. I was depressed, thought life had no meaning and had suicidal thoughts. My self-esteem was very low and I lost a frightening amount of weight. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, and even after twelve hours of sleep I woke up tired.
– I failed a year of university.
Trying to get out
The first week was the hardest. I couldn’t sleep at night. When I did fall asleep, I had terrifying nightmares involving murder, rape and suicide. I woke up drenched in sweat. I had severe mood swings, from euphoria to deep depression, as well as unexplained fear, paranoia and doubt: What am I doing this for? Why am I putting myself through this? I’ll turn on porn and everything will go away; everything will be wonderful again. My hands shook like an alcoholic’s. Then doubt and enormous fear returned: Oh God, am I never going to do this again? How can I deny myself such pleasure when orgasms feel so good and everyone in the world masturbates? Overall, that first week was a nightmare. A terrible one. I spent it at home, pacing from room to room.
Week two and the weeks that followed
I dreamed about scenes from porn, rape, plane crashes and car crashes. I decided I had to do something and completely change my life, because I now had to live without it. The second week was crucial. I decided to change every aspect of my life: physical, financial, spiritual, intellectual and emotional. I had to keep myself occupied so I wouldn’t think about masturbation. I went to the library, and that was how the journey of my transformation began. I started in the psychology section. Over two months I read about thirty motivational, life-changing and depression-related books, including books by Tony Robbins, Nathaniel Branden, Brian Tracy, Wayne Dyer, Zig Ziglar and Robert Kiyosaki. Reading those books motivated me every day and compelled me to keep fighting.
What next? I started training intensively at the gym five times a week. I also went running every night before bed, because a tired person doesn’t think about masturbation, and after running I simply had no strength left to masturbate before going to sleep. I began eating more healthily, enrolled in a speed-reading course, started an English-language course, began working toward my driving licence, and even volunteered. Once a week I helped people in a hospital or homeless shelter. I did all of this so I wouldn’t think about masturbation. But filling my free time this way also made me feel that I mattered and that life had some meaning after all.
The return
It is 2024, I am twenty-six, and I have still never had intercourse with a woman, which has been extremely depressing. Recently I met a woman and ended up in bed with her, but once again nothing happened—my penis remained completely limp. I thought something must be wrong with me. I ran home, turned on porn and immediately became fully erect. I masturbated, feeling satisfied, and afterward experienced enormous guilt and an existential emptiness. I decided to limit it. My idea was to watch films once every three days, and from November until now that has meant masturbating three or four times on those days. I know it is pathetic and stupid, but now I cannot stop. I simply cannot.
Why do I remain caught in porn?
As I mentioned, I am twenty-six and still haven’t had intercourse with a woman. Above all, what keeps me in the habit is FEAR: fear that if I quit porn, I won’t find a girlfriend with whom I can release the tension; FEAR that if I give up porn, I will never be happy again; fear that I won’t cope with stress; and FEAR that life will never be the same without porn.
There is also the fear of the EMPTINESS I feel when something is missing after I stop watching. The constant ANXIETY and EMPTINESS that accompany every period without porn are unbearable. Two main things keep me trapped. The first is that I do not have a woman in my life and I AM AFRAID I NEVER WILL. Those dark thoughts—that I will never meet a woman with whom I can perform sexually—drive me back to porn. The second main reason I continue masturbating is the EMPTINESS AND ANXIETY I feel on days when I don’t watch pornographic films.
I think that’s the end. I apologize for any typos or spelling mistakes. I wrote this quickly and under the influence of strong emotion. My mental state is currently terrible. I feel enormous guilt and shame, along with an overwhelming fear inside me. I would be glad if you replied to this email—this confession of a porn addict—and shared your thoughts, advice or guidance.
Regards, and thank you sincerely for what you do, because you make many people aware of how destructive pornography can be to the human mind.
No published comments yet.