If your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you, or wants it far less than you do, you are not the only one, and it is rarely about how you look. Young men go off sex for many reasons: stress, low mood, anxiety about performing, erection worries they are too embarrassed to mention, medicines, drinking, or tension between you. Sometimes porn sits somewhere in the background. You cannot diagnose him, and you do not have to fix him. You can understand the possibilities, raise it kindly, and look after yourself while you do.
This page is for girlfriends, often in a younger or newer relationship. If you are married or have been together for many years, our page for wives fits better.
Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to have sex with me? Is it me?
Rejection makes you search yourself for the reason: your body, your weight, something you said. But low desire usually starts inside the person who has it, in his body, his mood, his worries or his habits. Changing how you look, or agreeing to sex you do not want, rarely changes it.
A mismatch is also more ordinary than it feels. In a British survey of over 15,000 people, about one in four men and women in a sexual relationship reported that they and their partner had different levels of interest in sex. Read the survey. The stereotype says men always want more, but plenty of couples have it the other way round.
Common reasons a boyfriend doesn’t want sex
The NHS lists relationship problems, stress, anxiety, depression, erection problems, some medicines and drinking too much alcohol among the common causes of low sex drive. NHS on low sex drive. In a younger relationship, these often look like:
- Stress and pressure. Exams, a new job, money, moving in together. Desire is often the first thing to go when life is full.
- Low mood or anxiety. Losing interest in sex can be part of a wider flatness. If he has lost interest in most things, take that seriously.
- Medicines. The NHS notes that SSRI antidepressants can cause low sex drive and difficulty getting or keeping an erection or reaching orgasm. NHS on SSRI side effects. He should talk to his prescriber rather than stop anything himself.
- Performance anxiety. Worry about lasting, pleasing you or losing his erection. A review estimated that it affects 9 to 25% of men and contributes to early ejaculation and erection problems. Read the review. Avoiding sex can feel safer than risking another difficult night.
- Erection problems and shame. These are not only an older man’s problem. In one Italian clinic, one in four men seeking help for new erectile dysfunction was 40 or younger. Read the study. A young man who has struggled a few times may say he is tired rather than say that.
- Early-stage nerves or different expectations. Some men are less experienced than they let on, want to go slower, or hold values about sex that they have not explained.
- A naturally lower drive. Some people simply want sex less often, and that is not a defect.
- Conflict. Arguments that never get settled rarely stay outside the bedroom.
More than one of these is often true at once.
He used to want sex. Why not anymore?
If his interest was low from the start, a different drive, inexperience, anxiety or values are more likely. If sex was good and then stopped, look for what changed around that time: a new medicine, a loss, a new job, a difficult night in bed, or growing distance between you. Desire often settles after the first months together, but a sharp drop usually has a more specific trigger.
Is he cheating on me?
Low desire on its own is not evidence of an affair; stress, mood, health and shame are common explanations. If something feels secret, ask. Searching his phone tends to damage trust and still leaves the real question unanswered.
When should he see a doctor?
Suggest he sees a GP or a sexual health clinic if:
- he has erection problems that keep happening, or has stopped getting erections in the morning;
- the change started after a new medicine;
- he seems low, withdrawn or anxious, is sleeping badly or has stopped enjoying most things;
- he has diabetes, heart problems or high blood pressure, or he smokes heavily.
The NHS notes that erection problems are very common and that treatment, usually a prescribed medicine that increases blood flow to the penis, can usually help. NHS on erectile dysfunction. He decides whether to go, but you can say what you have noticed. If he talks about not wanting to be alive, call 999 in the UK or 988 in the US, or Samaritans on 116 123.
Could porn be part of it?
Many girlfriends never consider this, and for many couples it is not the reason. For some young men, porn becomes the easy, private place where sex happens: no nerves, no risk of losing an erection in front of someone. In a survey of 3,419 men aged 18 to 35, about one in five of those who were sexually active had some degree of erection problems, and problematic porn use was linked with a higher chance of them. Read the study. The study is correlational, so it cannot show that porn caused the difficulty, and plenty of men who watch porn have no problems at all.
Porn can also sit on top of another problem. A man who is anxious about sex may keep a solo routine where nothing can go wrong, and avoid the situation that scares him. Ryan, 32, describes losing confidence in intimate situations after years of masturbation as his main release: “My confidence has fallen so far that I have begun avoiding penetration.” From the outside, that kind of avoidance looks like rejection. From the inside, it is often fear.
If you already know he watches porn and avoids sex with you, our page on that situation covers it in more depth, whether he is a husband or a boyfriend.
How to talk to him about it
Pick a calm moment away from the bedroom, not straight after he has turned you down. Talk about your experience rather than his failings:
“I’ve noticed we’ve stopped having sex, and I miss being close to you. I’m not angry and I’m not trying to pressure you. Is something going on for you? Stress, your body, anything. I’d rather know than keep guessing.”
If you want to ask about porn, ask directly and without accusation: “Is porn part of this? I’m not trying to catch you out.” Then listen. He may not know the answer yet. Agree to come back to it, and suggest one concrete step, such as a GP visit or a few sessions with a counsellor or sex therapist. More on this in how to talk to your partner about porn.
Taking the pressure off can help: agree on affection without any expectation of sex, touch that does not have to lead anywhere. If porn does turn out to be part of it, the change has to be his choice. You can say what you need, but you do not have to become his monitor.
Can a relationship survive without sex? Is it a reason to break up?
Some couples are happy with little or no sex, when both of them want it that way. The problem is not a number but whether one of you is hurting and nothing changes. There is no set point at which it becomes too long.
Look after yourself while you work it out. Repeated rejection hurts, and your needs count, not only his reasons. Talk to a friend or a counsellor. If over many months he will not talk, see anyone or change anything, deciding that this relationship does not give you what you need is a legitimate choice.
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