If your boyfriend can’t stay hard with you, the first question is usually “is it me?” Usually it isn’t. An erection is a physical response that nerves, alcohol, tiredness, a condom, a medicine, his health or worry about the last time can all switch off, however much he wants you. According to MedlinePlus, the U.S. National Library of Medicine’s health site, nearly every adult man has erection trouble at one time or another, and it often passes with little or no treatment. MedlinePlus on erection problems. For some men, porn and solo habits are part of the picture too.
This page is for you, his partner. Losing an erection during sex is written for him.
Evidence strength: stronger for how common erection problems are and their everyday causes; developing for the link between problematic porn use and erection problems in young men. The stories below are lived experience.
Is he not attracted to me if he can’t get hard?
Attraction makes an erection more likely, but it does not guarantee one. In younger men especially, the mind gets in the way: MedlinePlus notes that emotional causes are more common in younger men, and lists self-doubt, stress, anxiety and expecting too much from sex among them.
So it can happen with someone he finds very attractive. The more a night matters, the more he watches himself for signs of failing, and one difficult night turns the next into a test. From your side this can look like coldness; from his, it is often panic he is trying to hide.
Your feelings still count. It hurts even when you know it is not personal, and you are allowed to say so.
Is his ED my fault?
No. You cannot cause erectile dysfunction by not being attractive enough, not trying hard enough or doing something wrong in bed. The causes sit in his body and his mind: the everyday ones listed below, his health, his medicines, his anxiety, and for some men their habits.
The honest nuance is that a relationship is shared ground. MedlinePlus lists poor communication and expecting too much from sex among the possible emotional causes, and pressure that turns every night into a test feeds the performance anxiety described below. MedlinePlus on erection problems. That is not blame. It means you have some influence over the setting, even though the problem is not yours to fix.
That influence matters most for getting help. In a survey of the female partners of men with ED, how the women saw the problem, how much they wanted to deal with it and what they thought of treatment were linked with whether the men sought medical advice and used treatment. Read the study. So the most useful thing you can do is often not to try harder in bed, but to make it easier for him to talk and to see someone.
Why does he keep going soft? Common causes
The NHS says most men occasionally fail to get or keep an erection, usually because of stress, tiredness or drinking too much, and that it can also be a side effect of some medicines. When it happens often, the NHS lists conditions such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, depression, anxiety and hormone problems. NHS on erectile dysfunction. In a relationship, this often looks like:
- Performance anxiety. Drawing on population surveys, a review put it at 9 to 25% of men and found that it contributes to erection problems with a psychological cause. Read the review.
- A new relationship. Wanting to impress, a first night together, or caring a lot about you can raise the stakes. Erection problems with a new partner are common for exactly that reason.
- Condoms. Some men lose their erection while putting one on or soon after; losing an erection with a condom covers fit and practice.
- A new medicine. He should talk to his prescriber rather than stop anything himself.
- Tension between you. MedlinePlus includes poor communication among the causes. Resentment that is never talked through tends to follow you both into bed.
Often it is a mix of two or three of these, not one.
At what age do men struggle to stay hard?
Erection problems become more common with age. In a classic US survey of men aged 40 to 70, carried out in the late 1980s, about half reported some degree of erection difficulty, and age was the factor most strongly linked with it. Read the study.
Young men are not exempt. In an Italian clinic, 114 of 439 men seeking help for new erection problems were 40 or younger, and almost half of those younger men had severe difficulties on a standard questionnaire. Read the study. Being young is not a reason to simply wait.
What if he stays hard but can’t finish with you?
Some men keep an erection but cannot reach orgasm with a partner. The NHS calls this delayed ejaculation and suggests a man may have it if he is unable to ejaculate more than half the times he has sex. Stress, relationship problems, depression and some medicines are possible causes. NHS on ejaculation problems. It does not, by itself, mean he does not enjoy being with you. Can’t finish with a partner covers it in more detail.
When should he see a doctor?
MedlinePlus suggests seeing a provider if erection trouble happens more than 25% of the time; the NHS says to see a GP or a sexual health clinic if erection problems keep happening, and notes that they can be a sign of a treatable health condition. Suggest he books an appointment if:
- it keeps happening, or his morning erections have mostly stopped;
- it started after a new medicine;
- it began after an injury or surgery, or comes with pain or changes when he pees;
- he has diabetes, high blood pressure or heart problems, or he smokes;
- he seems low, anxious or withdrawn, or has started avoiding sex altogether.
Going is his decision, but you can make it easier. In a small qualitative study, researchers interviewed 12 men with erection problems and their female partners separately. The ways women supported help-seeking included talking about the problem, showing interest, backing a doctor’s visit and taking part in treatment. Read the study.
If he talks about harming himself or not wanting to be alive, contact emergency services or a crisis line now.
Could porn be part of it?
This is the cause couples rarely check, and for many it is not the reason. In an online survey of 3,419 men aged 18 to 35, about 21% of those who had tried penetrative sex in the previous four weeks scored in the range for some degree of erectile dysfunction. Higher scores on a measure of problematic porn use went with a higher probability of erection problems, while how often men masturbated did not. Read the study. The men chose to take part online, and a survey like this cannot show which came first; many men who watch porn have no erection problems at all.
You cannot diagnose him, but these questions can help you both see whether it is worth looking at:
- Does he seem to get hard easily alone or with porn, but not with you? See why some men can get hard alone but not with a partner.
- Does he need very fast, firm or constant stimulation to stay hard?
- During sex, does his mind seem to drift elsewhere?
- After a difficult night, does he withdraw into his phone rather than talk?
None of these is a verdict. The wider research is mixed; can porn cause erectile dysfunction? covers it.
How to talk to him about it
Raise it at a quiet time with clothes on, not in bed and not the morning after a difficult night. Start with closeness, not the problem:
“I love being close to you. I’m not upset, and I don’t think less of you. Can we work this out together?”
Then listen. If you want to ask about porn, ask once and plainly: “Is porn part of this? I’m asking because I want to understand, not to catch you out.” There is more in how to talk to your partner about porn.
Checking his phone or turning every night into a new attempt tends to make it worse. What usually helps is agreeing together that losing an erection does not end the evening, and that being close without aiming for intercourse is sex too. If he is also losing interest in sex, see when your boyfriend doesn’t want sex.
What people describe
These are personal accounts, not evidence of how common each experience is.
Leon, 31, writes about not getting hard with new partners, including a woman he was falling for: “My feelings are huge and I’m one step from falling in love, so the problem is more likely in me.” Read his story. Content warning: it includes explicit sexual descriptions and mentions alcohol and the thought of paying for sex.
Emil, 22, stayed hard but could not finish, and his girlfriend “thinks she doesn’t turn me on enough for me to come.” He suspected his solo habits instead. Read his story. Content warning: frank descriptions of sex and masturbation.
Megan writes from the partner’s side: her boyfriend had no trouble getting hard, but could not finish with her, and after a fight they both concluded he had a problem; he was the first to say so. Content warning: explicit sexual descriptions.
If he decides to try: a 30-day experiment
If porn seems to be part of it, he can choose a 30-day window to observe what changes. It is his experiment, not a cure, a deadline or a test you run on him.
- He notes a starting point: morning erections, sleep, drinking and stress.
- He changes his solo routine: no porn, or no masturbation, for the month.
- He makes porn harder to reach on his phone, with a content blocker or the built-in screen-time limits. It is his tool, not yours to monitor.
- You both take the pressure off sex: affection and touch with no goal of intercourse.
- He keeps any doctor’s appointment he needs.
If nothing changes, his notes are a good start for a doctor or sex therapist.
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